Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Ruin is a gift

Over the years there are moments when I felt like I have hit rock bottom.
I have loved and lost. I have endured and inflicted pain. I have done things I never thought I'd do and said things I never thought I'd say. I was unhappy and I was ashamed.
There have been countless times when I find myself staring painfully at this screen, desperately trying to string words together to document how I feel.

I did not write to remember; I write because I was trying to heal.

I was hoping that through words, I will be able to harness the pain I was going through. If I get it all out in writing, I can somehow get it out of my system, I may be free again.

I remembered thinking that the pain will never end.

I remembered thinking I was in love with a person who made me second-guessed myself and did things I was not proud of. I dived headfirst, and held nothing back. I was so eager to fight for something I thought was love.
It was not love.
I was sinking in life, and I had to hold on to something, anything to keep afloat. I needed the relationship to work because nothing else did.
I remembered fighting furtively to make things work. I was not only fighting with the circumstances, I was also fighting with myself and values I believed in.

I remembered feeling crushed when everything, inevitably, fell apart.
The feeling that my heart is so high up in my throat and I needed to take slow, measured breaths to hold back the tears.

I tried to distract myself. I immersed myself in trying out new things, I forced myself to meet new people and I drowned myself in books and movies.
Was I running away? I do not know.
But that was my coping mechanism.
I have also hurt people in the process. Till today, I am deeply sorry for that.

And then now here I am. Realizing I had no idea back then, the real meaning of love.
But I had to go through all that to be the person I am today.

I now have a boyfriend to call my own.
A special someone whom I adore and love with all my heart, and who reciprocates the kind of affection I give to him. I see how his eyes light up whenever he looks at me.
We have been together for 2 years and counting, and I still catch him stealing glances at me. I still fight back a smile whenever he leans over to kiss me.
We rap to Drake whilst cooking dinner; we follow every episode of Game of Thrones together religiously.
I love him.

Love does not have to come with confusion and uncertainty.
Love is the comfort and safety you feel with a person you know you can rely on.
Love is unconditional support; it should empower and allow you to grow, and not reduce you into questioning your own self-worth.

This post is not just me reflecting.
If you are reading this and you are feeling helpless, lost and tired, I want to let you know it is not the end.
You are not alone in this. If Britney can survive 2007, you can do this (haha).
If you doubt you are ever going to smile genuinely again, oh you are so wrong.
Come to terms first with the fact that it is alright to make mistakes, then forgive yourself.
One foot before the other, one step at a time.
Keep going.
Soon enough, your uncertain, ginger steps will break into a run.
The best is yet to come.
One day you will look back and think how trivial this episode has been, and how you have thrived.

Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.

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