Friday, February 18, 2011


I was just thinking about all my fears.
And I was just thinking about how easily you put all my fears to shame.
Because it suddenly dawned on me that there are few things in my life which dislodges more terror in me than imagining what you are capable of doing to yourself.

And in turn what you do to me.

As I stare at your empty eyes and hapless figure, I feel the building of an almost perverse hatred rising from my gut. I see flashbacks of what you used to be and what you have been turned into.
The monster you have become.

And the many things I could have done to have prevented this tragedy staring blankly before me.

Because I know you were made for so much more. You are so much more than you give yourself credit for. You are capable of more than the lifeless shell you have made yourself to be.

And as I struggle furiously to pinpoint the root of the problem I am taken aback by one stunning realization: I do not know who to blame.

I laid out options, but I had never given you choice.
I disclosed everything to you in binary form. 
Right or wrong. Black or white. No middle ground. No grey areas.
I refused to allow you the arch in between.
I was harsh.
You silently loathed me for that. I felt it, your suppressed resentment, burning into the back of my brains.
I knew, yes, but I didn't budge.

I allowed you to reduce yourself to the vacant state you are as of now.

I know now it was I who destroyed you. 
You are the product of me.
We are entwined, you and I.
A cycle. An infinity loop. Constant. Perpetual.

For you are only my mirror, and I your reflection.


  1. This is a beautiful piece...
    I did not come on to Blogger for so long!
    How are you Mary? :)

  2. :) Coping with life, but then aren't we all?
    And thank you Sheryl! I hope life's not too harsh on you as well.