Ruin is a gift

Over the years there are moments when I felt like I have hit rock bottom.
I have loved and lost. I have endured and inflicted pain. I have done things I never thought I'd do and said things I never thought I'd say. I was unhappy and I was ashamed.
There have been countless times when I find myself staring painfully at this screen, desperately trying to string words together to document how I feel.

I did not write to remember; I write because I was trying to heal.

I was hoping that through words, I will be able to harness the pain I was going through. If I get it all out in writing, I can somehow get it out of my system, I may be free again.

I remembered thinking that the pain will never end.

I remembered thinking I was in love with a person who made me second-guessed myself and did things I was not proud of. I dived headfirst, and held nothing back. I was so eager to fight for something I thought was love.
It was not love.
I was sinking in life, and I had to hold on to something, anything to keep afloat. I needed the relationship to work because nothing else did.
I remembered fighting furtively to make things work. I was not only fighting with the circumstances, I was also fighting with myself and values I believed in.

I remembered feeling crushed when everything, inevitably, fell apart.
The feeling that my heart is so high up in my throat and I needed to take slow, measured breaths to hold back the tears.

I tried to distract myself. I immersed myself in trying out new things, I forced myself to meet new people and I drowned myself in books and movies.
Was I running away? I do not know.
But that was my coping mechanism.
I have also hurt people in the process. Till today, I am deeply sorry for that.

And then now here I am. Realizing I had no idea back then, the real meaning of love.
But I had to go through all that to be the person I am today.

I now have a boyfriend to call my own.
A special someone whom I adore and love with all my heart, and who reciprocates the kind of affection I give to him. I see how his eyes light up whenever he looks at me.
We have been together for 2 years and counting, and I still catch him stealing glances at me. I still fight back a smile whenever he leans over to kiss me.
We rap to Drake whilst cooking dinner; we follow every episode of Game of Thrones together religiously.
I love him.

Love does not have to come with confusion and uncertainty.
Love is the comfort and safety you feel with a person you know you can rely on.
Love is unconditional support; it should empower and allow you to grow, and not reduce you into questioning your own self-worth.

This post is not just me reflecting.
If you are reading this and you are feeling helpless, lost and tired, I want to let you know it is not the end.
You are not alone in this. If Britney can survive 2007, you can do this (haha).
If you doubt you are ever going to smile genuinely again, oh you are so wrong.
Come to terms first with the fact that it is alright to make mistakes, then forgive yourself.
One foot before the other, one step at a time.
Keep going.
Soon enough, your uncertain, ginger steps will break into a run.
The best is yet to come.
One day you will look back and think how trivial this episode has been, and how you have thrived.

Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.

Hello.

We always build it better the second time around.

p.s. That's my phone vibrating with emails in the background.

When the shoe fits.

THAT'S RIGHT.

ROBB STARK IS THE NEW PRINCE CHARMING IN CINDERELLA. 

BE STILL, MY HEART. 

Look at this devastatingly handsome face.

He is killing it with or without facial hair.

Can his eyes BE any bluer? I mean who needs blue glass slippers? I will just wear your eyes!

As if the handsome Scottish Richard Madden isn't reason enough to watch the movie, 

the beautiful and incredibly talented Cate Blanchett plays Cinderella's stepmother.

"Not the ugly stepmother...the wicked stepmother. There is a difference." - Cate Blanchett

Then who is the fairy godmother, you asked?

Oh Bellatrix you sure cleaned up good.

Tell me you are not excited.

Watching this trailer makes me so happy. 

It is like seeing a part of my childhood come to life. Since it came out last week I have watched it every single day, steadily contributing to the rising views (standing at 11,843,101 at the moment).

Watch the full trailer here and see Lily James in all her glory. 

She is breathtaking in every scene and I just could not decide on a GIF.

Where there is goodness, there is kindness. 

And where there is kindness, there is magic.

P.S. Please do not repeat a Red Wedding. My heart is still tender from that heartbreak.

Yeezy season approachin'

One more day to Kanye's concert in Perth!

Yesterday, Matthias came reporting to me excitedly that Kanye had touched down in Perth.

"We are breathing in the same air with this lyrical genius. Should we try to go out and bump into him?!"

This morning however, he woke me up with a grave expression.

"I have bad news."

"What happened?"

"Kim Kardashian is not in Perth with Kanye West."

Clearly we both have differing opinions on what amounts to bad news. 

Ladies and gentlemen...

...I present to you, Mr. and Mrs. Liew!

Isn't she stunning? *cue wolf whistles*

This is one of my favourite shots of the newly-weds who tied the knot last Friday. I especially love how the veil creates this ethereal aura that glides gracefully around the beautiful bride.
Despite months of wedding planning and preparation, it still feels surreal that my childhood buddy, Shirley Sim just got hitched! Seems like just yesterday we were just two little girls with big glasses, racing to the library when the break-time bell rings, just so we can snatch up a copy of R.L. Stine's thrillers.

I cannot stress enough how time continue to rob us of our youth in the most discreet manner. And then all at once, you realised you're no longer a child.
Unbelievable. How did fifteen years race by without a trace?
Time, you sneaky bastard.

Nevertheless, I am beyond happy for one of my oldest friend!!!!
I wish her a lifetime of joy and happiness and am so excited for this new chapter she is about to unfold in her life. It will be an interesting journey filled with surprises, joy and mini hiccups, and may she be blessed with the never-ending love and support from people around her, especially her life partner.
I love you very, very much. x

I'm a raven.

"What happened?!"

"She left her binoculars on a hook in the chapel's tent."

"Just leave them!"

"We can't. It's her magic power."

:) What a precious, precious film. Suzy and Sam are the cutest.
There is something so pure and genuine about their love that triumphs even love stories in Nicholas Sparks novels.
I could not tear my eyes away from the screen for the entire 94mins regardless of the number of times I have seen it. Prepare to start watching the movie from the very beginning if you dare interrupt me in between this film HAHA.

Wes Anderson can you please direct my life?

Here comes the sun.

I miss her.

When I'm with her, my fears melt away and she makes me feel as though anything is possible.
She's the human form of optimism, dreams and all things beautiful.
She may not know it but she's the pillar of my strength on my rocky days. Her voice is my favorite sound.

I love this girl to the moon and back.

So just now...

My brother passed me the usb for my hard disk.

Me: I wonder why they named it USB. Is it because USA is taken?

My beloved brother: ...

SHOT THROUGH THE HEART

...AND YOU'RE TO BLAME.

(bad pun intended)

Am determined to start saving up for this magnificent beast.

Might take a while but I am nothing if not patient.

That's right Fujifilm x100s, you have nowhere to run. You're coming home with me one day.

I beg you please make the price drop in the next few months please please please 

Somewhere along the line we lost our horizon.

3 years, and I am still here completely overwhelmed by this beautiful song.
I have an unhealthy fixation with nostalgia.

Youth is easily deceived, because it is quick to hope.

I am a hopeful girl.

I have discovered this, after years and years of loss and pain, disappointments and failures. Somehow at the lowest moments I tend to whisper to myself, "It's okay. I must count my blessings. There are people in the world who would give an arm for the kind of life I am leading, things will work out."

That little voice in me isn't dead. I can only pray for it to became stronger as I go along.

Lately...

...I've been working on these.
Part of my job requires me to design 6 headbands per week: 3 Blairs and 3 Block Parties.

Photo above shows a few of my designs from the past couple of months. :)

After a few trials and errors, my photography and photoshop skills have improved tremendously (thank goodness for that. My initial images were HIDEOUS!). Of course there's still plenty of room for improvement and there's always more things to learn. I am officially in love with using photoshop and indesign to alter and brighten up my headband photos. The possibilities are indeed endless!

Am very excited about using my newfound (and also rather basic) skills to design a new banner for my mother's tuition. Photos soon!

Life's been busy and filled to the brim with workload and family. I love that I'm busy so I don't have too much time on my own thinking about things I shouldn't be pondering on. Life is wondrous, I repeat to myself everyday like a hypnotizing chant. I devote all my attention to all the details in work and family and I find myself going through everyday and sopping everything up like a big giant sponge.

p.s. I do realized that I have been neglecting this space for some time, but I'm back here to pick things up once again. :)

Oh simple thing

where have you gone?

That inexplicable feeling.

It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song.

Dum dee dum.

Once again ladies and gentlemen, it's that time of the month! 

And since I wasted spent the entire day rolled up in a ball just moaning poor me why me on my bed, I had (finally) decided to do something, anything, to pick my spirits up instead.

So I scanned my room while rooted to my bed (still refusing to move until I absolutely have to), and my make up bag caught my eye.

I dragged myself across the room and poured out all its contents...

                  and

                    so

                      it

                        had

                          begun.

                            

I pulled my unruly hair into a tight, high ponytail to create a clear canvas (lol) in order to paint my own face with a period-induced vengeance. (MUAHAHAHAHAHA)

And, this is the end result.

Click on photo to enlarge. 
And ogle at my painstakingly applied eyeshadow please so I can feel less of a loser.

I must give credit to my BB cream by Dr. G, M.A.C Studio Finish SPF35 concealer and M.A.C Select Cover Up for that flawless finish. Do not be fooled. I can assure you my skin looks NOTHING like this before the application of all these products.
I also finished off with Shimmering Bronzer by Sephora. 
I cannot live without bronzers. They always give me that instant athletic, sun-kissed boost (when we all know the kind of lazy bum I actually am) and help sculpt my chubby face haha!

P.S. I apologize for the super fake and awkward smile(s). Failed attempt at trying to look serene and classy HAHA. I need (a lot) more practice. BEAR WITH ME FOR NOW TRY NOT TO PUNCH MY FACE THANK YOU.

She's always buzzing just like neon, neon!

Lipstick: Atomic Orange, Bobbi Brown

The lip colour I am most in love with from the Bobbi Brown Spring 2012 Neons & Nudes Collection!

This is not a lipstick for the weak-hearted.

The poor brother had the shock of his life when he saw me sporting this bold lip color HAHA.

.

Photo definitely does NOT do justice to the stunning lipstick. I apologize. I also blame the poor camera and bad lighting.
The loud, neon color really jumps out at you.
Truth to be told it took me a few seconds to adjust to the brightness myself, but the color grew on me in no time! In fact, I find the neon shade a refreshing change from all the pastels and nudes I loved dearly before this.
For the first time in my life I have fluorescent lips! :)

Now I feel well-equipped to face all the hardship and challenges that lay before me, lipstick'a-blazing! (yes yes you caught me that's the shopaholic in me justifying profusely for my neverending splurges. Sigh.)

Good Morning Stranger!

Because I want to show off my new white sheets with little adorable rose prints while it's still...white.

My bed is now so fluffy and white it reminds me of cotton candy hehe. I'm literally sleeping on a bed of roses!
Now I find myself counting down the hours to bedtime so I can make yet another Olympic dive into my bed. (I hear my poor bed groaning. Not again.)

Split Screen Sadness

Tonight I wonder how things would be in a parallel universe, where I'd have kept you by my side.

And I think to myself, was it ever my choice to make?

Tonight,

Two wrongs make it all alright.

But I'm warning you, we're growing up.

I should know what to say.

There should be an automatic reflex in my body; a natural instinct for me to respond to you with a silkiness that is expected of me. After all, I am a woman. Twenty one years of being a female should be education enough for me to prepare for this day. I should be able to effortlessly encompass you with the warmth, comfort, encouragement, motivation, relief that you crave and quite frankly, deserve.

And yet I froze.

In that critical moment when your darting eyes were searching for reassurance, I instead handed you my hesitation, and in turn exposed to you my fear.

In your eyes, I am the adult.

To you, I have the answers to everything.

I am omnipotent.

And before this I have always known the right things to say, but no, not today.

Why do people die?

Why is grandpa in pain? He is a good man, you said bad things only happen to bad people?

My dear, dear girl.

You are at the delicate age of nine years old, which makes you too old to be lied to, and yet too young to handle the harshness of reality, the cruelty of life.

I felt my tongue thickened as I struggled to find the words to say.

I wanted to tell you things will turn out fine.

I wanted to reassure you that sentence that my own mother's voice had echoed in my head throughout the years: All hardwork and suffering is the price you pay to find the rainbow in the end.
But I couldn't.

Because at this point in my life, I do not believe this. I really don't.

Life isn't fair.

All the storm and hardship you put yourself through does not guarantee a happily ever after.

Life, unlike what you were told when you were a kid, does not hand you a candy after you got 100 on your spelling bee.

I had been a positive person, I was your classic rainbow and ponies girl. These days I still walk through my everyday life with a smile on my face, but the truth is, a lot of my naive positive energy had been drained through the many disappointments life had hurled at me.

My aunt's painful death. My uncle's losing battle with his cancer.

My own mother's struggle throughout her entire life.

Just to name a few. I do not even want to venture into other areas such as my love life or my seemingly bleak future.

We want to be winners, we fight a lifetime for dreams; only to realize at the end that there are no winners in life.
The only thing permanent in life is death.

The truth is, there is no guaranteed light at the end of the tunnel.

It is a myth that had always been to the younger generation.

Why?
Because the older generation were cruel enough to have brought them into this world to suffer, and the only way to lessen the guilt is to feed them with lies so that they will have the drive to go through each and every day of their lives? To keep fighting till life inevitably defeat them?

My God. I am so bitter.

And it was at this moment that I was struck by the sinking realization: I am not mentally ready to mother a child.

I had always imagined myself to be strong enough to handle being a single mother. I still believe I will work hard and do whatever it takes to provide for my own child in every aspect. But right now, raising a child with my negative view on life will only be tragic for him/her.

I am so sorry child.
I am so, so sorry I let you down.
I took you into my arms and gave you a warm, tight hug, trying furtively to push all your questions away.
Because I had no answers for you today.