Wednesday, December 7, 2011

But I'm warning you, we're growing up.

I should know what to say.

There should be an automatic reflex in my body; a natural instinct for me to respond to you with a silkiness that is expected of me. After all, I am a woman. Twenty one years of being a female should be education enough for me to prepare for this day. I should be able to effortlessly encompass you with the warmth, comfort, encouragement, motivation, relief that you crave and quite frankly, deserve.

And yet I froze.
In that critical moment when your darting eyes were searching for reassurance, I instead handed you my hesitation, and in turn exposed to you my fear.

In your eyes, I am the adult.
To you, I have the answers to everything.
I am omnipotent.

And before this I have always known the right things to say, but no, not today.

Why do people die?
Why is grandpa in pain? He is a good man, you said bad things only happen to bad people?

My dear, dear girl.
You are at the delicate age of nine years old, which makes you too old to be lied to, and yet too young to handle the harshness of reality, the cruelty of life.
I felt my tongue thickened as I struggled to find the words to say.
I wanted to tell you things will turn out fine.
I wanted to reassure you that sentence that my own mother's voice had echoed in my head throughout the years: All hardwork and suffering is the price you pay to find the rainbow in the end.
But I couldn't.

Because at this point in my life, I do not believe this. I really don't.
Life isn't fair.
All the storm and hardship you put yourself through does not guarantee a happily ever after.
Life, unlike what you were told when you were a kid, does not hand you a candy after you got 100 on your spelling bee.
I had been a positive person, I was your classic rainbow and ponies girl. These days I still walk through my everyday life with a smile on my face, but the truth is, a lot of my naive positive energy had been drained through the many disappointments life had hurled at me.

My aunt's painful death. My uncle's losing battle with his cancer.
My own mother's struggle throughout her entire life.
Just to name a few. I do not even want to venture into other areas such as my love life or my seemingly bleak future.

We want to be winners, we fight a lifetime for dreams; only to realize at the end that there are no winners in life.
The only thing permanent in life is death.
The truth is, there is no guaranteed light at the end of the tunnel.
It is a myth that had always been to the younger generation.
Because the older generation were cruel enough to have brought them into this world to suffer, and the only way to lessen the guilt is to feed them with lies so that they will have the drive to go through each and every day of their lives? To keep fighting till life inevitably defeat them?

My God. I am so bitter.
And it was at this moment that I was struck by the sinking realization: I am not mentally ready to mother a child.
I had always imagined myself to be strong enough to handle being a single mother. I still believe I will work hard and do whatever it takes to provide for my own child in every aspect. But right now, raising a child with my negative view on life will only be tragic for him/her.

I am so sorry child.
I am so, so sorry I let you down.
I took you into my arms and gave you a warm, tight hug, trying furtively to push all your questions away.
Because I had no answers for you today.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

It's a Wonderful Life (1946)


What is it you want, Mary? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey. That's a pretty good idea.
I'll give you the moon, Mary.
- George Bailey

I'll take it. Then what?

Monday, November 28, 2011

Tell me no lies.

Bon Iver on a cold Monday morning.
A cup of hot milo warming my numb, freezing fingers.
So this is how perfection is spelled.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

She and Him?

Say hello to mary and er...mario.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011



Sunday, October 9, 2011

You‘re like the maid of dishonor.

I nearly peed myself laughing watching the Bridesmaids.
It is hysterical.
Kristen Wiig is one hell of an actress and does not give two hoots about making a fool of herself. I like her.

The chocolate-on-teeth scene:

The getting-pulled-over-by-a-cop scene:
"So you're just a terrible sober driver?"

The drunk-on-the-plane scene:

How can you not love this woman?
How. Tell me how.

I find myself laughing and crying over this movie, due to a rough patch I have been in recently. Crazy though she may be, it is oddly easy for me to relate to the main character Annie. 
I have watched it no less than 4 times in 2 weeks.
The Bridesmaids is my therapy. The movie and a huge pack of Hershey's Kisses.

This movie has also inspired me to pick up baking again. :)
Right after watching it for the first time, I marched to the nearest supermarket and spent a small fortune in all sorts of baking utensils and supplies haha.
But it was worth every penny.
I've read somewhere that baking and painting are two of the best hobbies to indulge yourself in after an emotionally turbulent period, because they soak up all your concentration.
Exactly what I need. :)

And this, my favorite line in the movie.

"Because you're your problem, and you're also your solution."

Meet Megan. My favorite bridesmaid among all the rest. 
Excepttttt for the sextape part with Air Marshal John towards the end. That was a bit over the top lol and rather disturbing.

The above are only a few sneak peeks.
There are many, many more equally funny scenes in the movie guaranteed to crack you up.

WATCH IT OR DIE. O___________________O

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Sun and Sand.

So yes, it has come to my knowledge that I have neglected my blog for a while (*cough* ER), but if you are expecting me to sprout apologies, launch into a series of excuses on how busy I have been, or how lazy, or how I simply do not have the mojo to blog, and then proceed to annoyingly beg for forgiveness (sound familiar?), I'm afraid you shall be sadly disappointed. (Wow this is a pretty long sentence. I feel out of breath just by typing it haha!)

Because I am too cool for that. Okay just kidding. More like I'm a loser and no one reads my blog. So I have no obligation to meet any expectations from my readers (or lack of readers), unlike those famous bloggers who have a string of dedicated fans following their blog everyday. The pressure. Haha! Good luck!

OKAY. So now I got the ice-breaking out of the way by writing two paragraphs of complete utter nonsense, I shall move on to more important issues like...

I just farted.


Doesn't mean I wasn't serious about the fart though...

Had an impromptu mini Port Dickson getaway about 2 months back, and since I did write a lot of useless rubbish just now I will let the photos do the talking from now on. :)

The last two group photos are basically there to emphasize my role as the very annoying FIFTH WHEEL/lightbulb in an otherwise romantic double-couple getaway. HAHA!
I think I've been single for too long I'm starting to annoy my friends. Actually no my friends love me. Actually typing this makes me sound like a sad loser looking for reassurance. Actually I should probably shut up right nowBYE.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

There may be a wedding photographer in me.

My two favorite couples in the world. :)


I absolutely love these candid shots I took of them. 
So happy; so natural...

Photos are completely unedited. And the white clothes happened to just be a coincidence.
What are the odds right?! :)
I see white, I see light and I hear (future) wedding bells HAHA omg I am a total ditsy hopeless romantic.
Had already begun building a scrapbook as their wedding gifts. Loser that I am.

Friday, June 24, 2011

There is fiction in the space between.

I was once told that I write fictional tragedies with a beautiful flair. But what the boy didn't know was that I also write each and every one of them with an air of misguided certainty that none will ever happen to me.

So proud; so naive.
So remarkably confident it's almost comical.

And now that it had in fact happened, all that I'm capable of doing is drawing back and being selfish.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

For a special girl in my life.

Blurred photos; engraved in our hearts.

A beautiful girl who is never without a smile and in possession of the kindest heart.
Words can't do justice to what an incredible person this girl is to me.
Happy 21st dannidarl :)

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Tell me where to draw the line.

Currently reading a philosophical book regarding men's struggle between good and evil.

I am reading this because just a few short weeks ago I was thinking about the very issue this book is discussing.
That perhaps in actual fact, no man is resistant to temptation, and the key is mainly the building of circumstances surrounding the said man.
What if the core of every human is evil?
That in spite of 孔子's claim on  人之初,性本善, men are essentially evil to begin with, but as they progress along their lives, the teachings are what mold them to be good?
Does that mean without the teachings and proper guidance, men are likely to be evil?
That the ancient Greek rules of the Natural Law does not exist?
Does that mean that all humans are born barbaric?

And here are a few of my favorite quotes from this book.
  • Whenever you want to achieve something in life, keep your eyes open, concentrate and make sure you know exactly what is it that you want. No one can hit their target with their eyes closed.
  • Two kinds of idiots. Those who don't take action because they have received a threat, and those who think they are taking action because they have issued a threat.
  • The story of one man is the story of all men.
  • Anyone who loves in the expectation of being loved in return is wasting their time.
  • Rich men never waste a penny, only poor people do that.
  • Man needs what's worst in him in order to achieve what's best in him.

I have a habit of scribbling down quotes from books on yellow post-its, and proceed to molest my bedroom wall with them haha! I am not perfect and more often than not, I do find myself straying from the good. They serve as a reminder and a guideline of how I should live my life, the important things I should focus on.

And this book has given birth to a lot more yellow post-its on my wall. I really like this book. :)

Saturday, May 14, 2011

20 facts about me:

1.     I have a loud sneeze. And by loud I mean manly.
2.     Subconsciously I narrate my everyday life inside my brain. In third person. With a British accent.
3.     I eat a lot. I mentally prepare myself to suffer from a cardiac arrest any second, and with the amount of Mcdonalds I eat, it really will come as no surprise.
4.     My all time favorite chick flick is How to Lose A Guy in Ten Days.
5.     James McAvoy is my new Patrick Dempsey. I love him in almost every movie I see him in, except for Wanted, where he depicted himself as American. Not that I have anything against Americans but I am a hopeless sucker for his refined English/Scottish accent in movies like Becoming Jane, Atonement etc. 

Let me touch you before I die please.
I need to do something about my non-existent sex life.
6.     When I am nervous I talk a lot. When I am drunk I talk even more.
7.     I am a dreamer. I have a wedding playlist, and my wedding gown picked out, even though I do not even have a boyfriend. Which is fine until it comes to picturing my (future) baby’s face. That's when it gets a little bit tricky. YES I AM CREEPY THAT WAY.
8.     I neglect my phone. I get shit from my friends for this.
9.     I can be a pushover. I also get shit from my friends for this. :’)
10. As of this second my playlist is playing Feels like Home, the Chantal Krevizuk version. I will take all the time in the world to find that special someone worth dedicating this song to. Don't rush me!
11. I used to have a picture of Brian Littrel (yes yes Backstreet Boys) in my wallet. Next to a passport photo of myself. But in all fairness I was in Primary Four.
12. I am very emotional. I am terrible with goodbyes. So much so that sometimes I just skip them.
13.I love scrapbooking. Artsy fartsy stuff. Doodling, sketching and the occasional painting.
14.I am incredible when it comes to discovering non-obvious gay men. It’s uncanny. Almost as though I have a gay alarm in my system that goes BEEP BEEP BEEP whenever a gay man is within a 2 metre radius.
15. I cannot imagine a day of my life without music. But I can do so without my phone.
16. At the moment my favourite authors are Paulo Coelho and Nick Hornby.
17. I love colours.
18. It is easy to tell when my heart/mind is in a mess; because my room will be in one too. Then in an oddly therapeutic process, I will clean up every bit of my room and arrange everything in a certain order.
19. Writing is a passion, not necessarily for an audience. I love writing for my own leisure and relaxation. Which explains this blog that only very few of my friends know about. People I keep very close to my heart, people whom I know will never judge.
20. I’d very much like to learn tap dancing one day.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Keep it simple; keep me sane.

Relationships are tough.

I stayed up two nights straight listening to my friend going ballistic about her boyfriend. 
Dissecting and evaluating his every action.
She felt that he's getting too comfortable and not as passionately obssessed about her as he was in the beginning.
And what triggered this?
He told her he was going to bed but then he couldn't sleep and instead of texting her he posted a tweet.
Which ticked her off and she was annoyed at herself for being ticked off.


Where is the confident, intelligent girl I used to know? Who is this jumpy, insecure girl invading my best friend's body?

Don't get me wrong I absolutely sympathize with her situation.
My point is love is not reasonable; it robs you of your common sense. You are no longer in full control of your head and thus you are inclined to act with a compulsive heart rather than a rational mind. You're giving up more than just your time and your freedom, but you are also giving up a huge part of your, well in this case, sanity.


But to be fair even with all these emotional trials and tribulations, it doesn't mean one should give up on love.
And to be afraid of taking that leap of faith.
Or to risk your heart being hurt by someone whom you know is absolutely worth taking that chance.

You see, we live in a world spoon-fed by movies and books like Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus and we are geared to believe love is difficult and complex. That mind games is essential in keeping your man constantly interested in you. 
And I am not denying they don't work, because they do. 
But is the effort truly necessary?
I secretly believe (hope) that it isn't, that love is actually simple.
It's a glance and a smile across the room in a mundane formal dinner.
It's a hand on your knee when you are driving in the country.
It's coming home from a late night at the office and bringing your (ok fine, my) favorite mcds double cheeseburger set. Large. Two straws in the coke.
It's the little things.

Love is serenity, contentment. 
Love is ordinary yet magical.
It's the rested feeling that whatever it is you're going through, someone is there to take your hand and have your back.

Or at least, that's how I wish it to be.
Maybe I am misguided or bias.
Maybe I am tired from all that intense, mind-boggling, life-draining love.
Love that brings you over the moon and slams you back down to earth in one flash of a lightning.
Love that takes you for a rollercoaster ride and inevitably comes to a screeching abrupt end.
Love that wounds, love that lies, love that fears, love that dies.
Maybe now all I am looking for is a singular focus, peace. And now I find myself equating peace to love.

Then again don't take my word for what love is about. Who am I to talk? I've been single for around a year and from the few men I've met in this time, none were anything close to giving me peace.

However I have learnt to seek peace within myself, and for now, that is enough. :)

Sunday, April 17, 2011



Took the most beautiful 21 year-old to a nice dinner and ordered pizzas, tapas, different pastas...and etc.
Had so much food we couldn't even finish the cake.
This coming from me is pretty damn serious okay.
I never NOT finish cake.

After dinner, the glowing birthday girl suggested karaoke, and we had a ball of a time!

Here's to our friendship through thick and thin, and although you will most probably never read this, thank you for being my sanity in the darkest of times.
I will always be here to walk you through yours too.
On those days when you need a shoulder, just turn around and I'll be your boulder.
I love how your hug is just a hallway away from mine and I don't think I'll ever have the heart to let leave our house and all our laughters behind.

Isn't she lovely?
Beautiful, beautiful girl inside out.
Her boyfriend is the luckiest boy ever, and I NEVER stopped reminding him that haha.

Happy Birthday Darling :)
I love you so very much.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Never Let Me Go.

It had never occurred to me that our lives, so closely interwoven, could unravel with such speed. If I'd known, maybe I'd have kept a tighter hold of them.
- Kathy, Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

I'll never smile again till I smile at you.

No lah just kidding I'll never smile again till my pay is in.

*frantically refreshing maybank2u page every 2 seconds*

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Take me back in time.

I just got a phone call from Shirley in Singapore.
The darling girl called me because she got worried as I have been missing in action for some time.





And the following two photos are impromptu snaps I took right after the phone call for purposes of updating Darling Shir.

This is a close up photo so

I wore the granny glasses on purpose so you can laugh at me, knowing full well how much you dislike them haha!
And here's proof I am still the old me.

Ok maybe I have turned justtttttttttt a little cuckoo.

I am more than fine as you can very well see. :)
Goofy as ever.
Nothing's changed.
Do not panic!

Remember this? :)

You know which one's my favorite? The one in the top right corner.
I love the candid shot and I love our natural smiles :)
We were so young, so happy and so very carefree.
Heck we were ONLY 13 years old!
Reality check, those photos were taken EIGHT whole years ago, canyoubelieveitomg, how time flies.
So much has happened since then.

I miss our time in chms.
I miss having you as my biggest competitor for grades, essays, art, music, calligraphy, debates, speeches and...boys. :p
I miss passing notes to you in class when we were to continue writing each other's fictional stories.
I miss cramming exams at the last minute with you and STILL scraping through with good results.
I miss dialing your home number (YEA I KNOW RIGHT, HANDPHONE-FREE DAYS FTW *insert ROCK ON hand sign*) and hearing your maid's voice asking me to,"Tunggu jap. SHIRLEYYYYYYYYYYYYY~"
I miss hiding books we love in the library because there is a limit of two books we can borrow at a time.
I miss having movie marathons with you and sleeping over at your place.
I miss climbing with you to your roof and sitting there watching the sky, at the same time having to be alert and make sure your mom did not catch us.
I miss making a fool out of myself when I'm with you.
I miss you creating a million and one nicknames for me: mars, mari, mario, etc.
I miss our laughters and oddly, even our pointless fights.
And most importantly. I miss you, my oldest best friend since Primary 4, who had never failed to stand by me and being a wonderful friend in your own special way.

I love you very much.
The past few weeks flashed by in a busy blur. I hardly have time to draw my breath before the next thing hits me squarely in the face.
School and work have taken over my life so I haven't been free to talk to you.
I am so very touched you called out of the blue to ask how I am coping.
That really meant the world to me.
 I will pay you a visit as soon as I manage take to a break from work and classes.
Take good care Shir. :)

I want to give you a huge bone-crunching hug that lifts your tiny body off the ground and then swing you all around! :)

Friday, February 18, 2011


I was just thinking about all my fears.
And I was just thinking about how easily you put all my fears to shame.
Because it suddenly dawned on me that there are few things in my life which dislodges more terror in me than imagining what you are capable of doing to yourself.

And in turn what you do to me.

As I stare at your empty eyes and hapless figure, I feel the building of an almost perverse hatred rising from my gut. I see flashbacks of what you used to be and what you have been turned into.
The monster you have become.

And the many things I could have done to have prevented this tragedy staring blankly before me.

Because I know you were made for so much more. You are so much more than you give yourself credit for. You are capable of more than the lifeless shell you have made yourself to be.

And as I struggle furiously to pinpoint the root of the problem I am taken aback by one stunning realization: I do not know who to blame.

I laid out options, but I had never given you choice.
I disclosed everything to you in binary form. 
Right or wrong. Black or white. No middle ground. No grey areas.
I refused to allow you the arch in between.
I was harsh.
You silently loathed me for that. I felt it, your suppressed resentment, burning into the back of my brains.
I knew, yes, but I didn't budge.

I allowed you to reduce yourself to the vacant state you are as of now.

I know now it was I who destroyed you. 
You are the product of me.
We are entwined, you and I.
A cycle. An infinity loop. Constant. Perpetual.

For you are only my mirror, and I your reflection.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Sackcloth and ashes for one year.

Rachael Yamagata is visiting Singapore a day from today and I just only found out ten minutes ago.
Immediately googled for price of tickets and this is what I found.

I can hear my heart breaking. 

I fell in love with her when I first heard her album Happenstance 6 years ago.
Her music has always spoken to me in difficult times.
Her brilliant voice sends chills down my spine.
I have always wanted to see her live.

I really really want to go... :'(

So near yet so far.

I declare myself clinically depressed.
Gonna pull my hair and launch into "poor me why me" mode.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Conversation of the day:

Leesa *shakes head*: One ringgit sundae cone and you are the happiest girl in the world.
Me *shrugs*: What can I say? I'm a cheap date.

Because I need a reminder on how much of a pig I can make of myself.
And try to eat with more grace in the future.

So focused on my ice cream I had no idea my friend was taking photos of my er..gluttonous exhibit the entire time.
She claimed that I have this evil satisfied smile after I shove the last bit of the cone into my mouth.
(Naturally) I got a bit defensive and said, "NOT TRUE."
She snorted, then replied triumphantly with a smirk that she caught it on cam. (Refer to the last photo)

I went speechless.
A picture's worth a thousand words.

I have the most jobless awesome friends.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Trying my best to get off of this fence

for I won't last.


I'm trying to put this thing to bed
I drugged it in its sleep
Remember what you said
Are you comfortable to keep

Monday, February 7, 2011




Oh Tuna Temptation, how I love thee.
Can you not see the golden glow it exudes?
*Sighing in contentment.*


You left me no choice.

Sunday, January 30, 2011


Assignments: destroyed power of speech + most brain activity.
Tonight (this morning), capable only: typing in keywords.

6.55am, hunger, major cheesy wedges crave,
applied or regurgitated,
politics and poor egypt,
less fortunate,
rm200 vouchers, ss3 orphanage,
spongebob squarepants!
homer simpson, tap dancing,
tangled hair, tangled brains,
motivational quotes,
que sera sera,
love mommy,
james visiting next tuesday :)
birds chirping,
sunrise soon,
need sleep.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Now, say you are a bird.


Heart-shaped neckline.

My weaknesses in bold letters.
I die.

The cute swimsuit has got me feeling like a 50's pin up girl.

dare I say it,
Allie Calhoun in the beach scene with Noah.

All I need is to slap on one huge headband (and get my face restructured and body remodeled to look like the beautiful Rachel McAdams) and I'm good to go.

But of course there must be a Ryan Gosling to hold me in his arms, look me in the eye and say, "If you're a bird, I'm a bird."

A girl can't go through all that trouble for nothing.

Yes I do realize this post is solely for my own amusement and fantasy HAHA.