But I'm warning you, we're growing up.

I should know what to say.

There should be an automatic reflex in my body; a natural instinct for me to respond to you with a silkiness that is expected of me. After all, I am a woman. Twenty one years of being a female should be education enough for me to prepare for this day. I should be able to effortlessly encompass you with the warmth, comfort, encouragement, motivation, relief that you crave and quite frankly, deserve.

And yet I froze.

In that critical moment when your darting eyes were searching for reassurance, I instead handed you my hesitation, and in turn exposed to you my fear.

In your eyes, I am the adult.

To you, I have the answers to everything.

I am omnipotent.

And before this I have always known the right things to say, but no, not today.

Why do people die?

Why is grandpa in pain? He is a good man, you said bad things only happen to bad people?

My dear, dear girl.

You are at the delicate age of nine years old, which makes you too old to be lied to, and yet too young to handle the harshness of reality, the cruelty of life.

I felt my tongue thickened as I struggled to find the words to say.

I wanted to tell you things will turn out fine.

I wanted to reassure you that sentence that my own mother's voice had echoed in my head throughout the years: All hardwork and suffering is the price you pay to find the rainbow in the end.
But I couldn't.

Because at this point in my life, I do not believe this. I really don't.

Life isn't fair.

All the storm and hardship you put yourself through does not guarantee a happily ever after.

Life, unlike what you were told when you were a kid, does not hand you a candy after you got 100 on your spelling bee.

I had been a positive person, I was your classic rainbow and ponies girl. These days I still walk through my everyday life with a smile on my face, but the truth is, a lot of my naive positive energy had been drained through the many disappointments life had hurled at me.

My aunt's painful death. My uncle's losing battle with his cancer.

My own mother's struggle throughout her entire life.

Just to name a few. I do not even want to venture into other areas such as my love life or my seemingly bleak future.

We want to be winners, we fight a lifetime for dreams; only to realize at the end that there are no winners in life.
The only thing permanent in life is death.

The truth is, there is no guaranteed light at the end of the tunnel.

It is a myth that had always been to the younger generation.

Why?
Because the older generation were cruel enough to have brought them into this world to suffer, and the only way to lessen the guilt is to feed them with lies so that they will have the drive to go through each and every day of their lives? To keep fighting till life inevitably defeat them?

My God. I am so bitter.

And it was at this moment that I was struck by the sinking realization: I am not mentally ready to mother a child.

I had always imagined myself to be strong enough to handle being a single mother. I still believe I will work hard and do whatever it takes to provide for my own child in every aspect. But right now, raising a child with my negative view on life will only be tragic for him/her.

I am so sorry child.
I am so, so sorry I let you down.
I took you into my arms and gave you a warm, tight hug, trying furtively to push all your questions away.
Because I had no answers for you today.

夜已深，留一盏孤灯

别在夜里数伤痕。

There is fiction in the space between.

I was once told that I write fictional tragedies with a beautiful flair. But what the boy didn't know was that I also write each and every one of them with an air of misguided certainty that none will ever happen to me.

So proud; so naive.

So remarkably confident it's almost comical.

And now that it had in fact happened, all that I'm capable of doing is drawing back and being selfish.

Keep it simple; keep me sane.

Relationships are tough.

I stayed up two nights straight listening to my friend going ballistic about her boyfriend. 

Dissecting and evaluating his every action.

She felt that he's getting too comfortable and not as passionately obssessed about her as he was in the beginning.

And what triggered this?

He told her he was going to bed but then he couldn't sleep and instead of texting her he posted a tweet.
Which ticked her off and she was annoyed at herself for being ticked off.

...

Where is the confident, intelligent girl I used to know? Who is this jumpy, insecure girl invading my best friend's body?

Don't get me wrong I absolutely sympathize with her situation.

My point is love is not reasonable; it robs you of your common sense. You are no longer in full control of your head and thus you are inclined to act with a compulsive heart rather than a rational mind. You're giving up more than just your time and your freedom, but you are also giving up a huge part of your, well in this case, sanity.

I AM ALMOST GLAD I AM SINGLE.

But to be fair even with all these emotional trials and tribulations, it doesn't mean one should give up on love.

And to be afraid of taking that leap of faith.

Or to risk your heart being hurt by someone whom you know is absolutely worth taking that chance.

You see, we live in a world spoon-fed by movies and books like Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus and we are geared to believe love is difficult and complex. That mind games is essential in keeping your man constantly interested in you. 

And I am not denying they don't work, because they do. 

But is the effort truly necessary?

I secretly believe (hope) that it isn't, that love is actually simple.

It's a glance and a smile across the room in a mundane formal dinner.

It's a hand on your knee when you are driving in the country.

It's coming home from a late night at the office and bringing your (ok fine, my) favorite mcds double cheeseburger set. Large. Two straws in the coke.

It's the little things.

Love is serenity, contentment. 

Love is ordinary yet magical.

It's the rested feeling that whatever it is you're going through, someone is there to take your hand and have your back.

Or at least, that's how I wish it to be.

Maybe I am misguided or bias.

Maybe I am tired from all that intense, mind-boggling, life-draining love.

Love that brings you over the moon and slams you back down to earth in one flash of a lightning.

Love that takes you for a rollercoaster ride and inevitably comes to a screeching abrupt end.

Love that wounds, love that lies, love that fears, love that dies.

Maybe now all I am looking for is a singular focus, peace. And now I find myself equating peace to love.

Then again don't take my word for what love is about. Who am I to talk? I've been single for around a year and from the few men I've met in this time, none were anything close to giving me peace.

However I have learnt to seek peace within myself, and for now, that is enough. :)

So.

I was just thinking about all my fears.

And I was just thinking about how easily you put all my fears to shame.

Because it suddenly dawned on me that there are few things in my life which dislodges more terror in me than imagining what you are capable of doing to yourself.

And in turn what you do to me.

As I stare at your empty eyes and hapless figure, I feel the building of an almost perverse hatred rising from my gut. I see flashbacks of what you used to be and what you have been turned into.

The monster you have become.

And the many things I could have done to have prevented this tragedy staring blankly before me.

Because I know you were made for so much more. You are so much more than you give yourself credit for. You are capable of more than the lifeless shell you have made yourself to be.

And as I struggle furiously to pinpoint the root of the problem I am taken aback by one stunning realization: I do not know who to blame.

I laid out options, but I had never given you choice.

I disclosed everything to you in binary form. 

Right or wrong. Black or white. No middle ground. No grey areas.

I refused to allow you the arch in between.

I was harsh.

You silently loathed me for that. I felt it, your suppressed resentment, burning into the back of my brains.

I knew, yes, but I didn't budge.

I allowed you to reduce yourself to the vacant state you are as of now.

I know now it was I who destroyed you. 

You are the product of me.
We are entwined, you and I.

A cycle. An infinity loop. Constant. Perpetual.

For you are only my mirror, and I your reflection.

Trying my best to get off of this fence

for I won't last.

    :(

I'm trying to put this thing to bed

I drugged it in its sleep

Remember what you said

Are you comfortable to keep

it

?

Guilt -4.12am, 23 Jan 2011.

It's a grey cloud that follows me wherever I go.
It's a haunting ghost that refuses to leave me alone.
It's a firm hand on my shoulder; a weight that is distinctive enough for me to experience heavier footsteps.
It is a lump in my throat that I can't seem to swallow.
Guilt grips the heart like steel fingers, cold, hard and firm, clenched tightly enough to make one feel suffocated, but not enough to take one's life away.

I think there is a French proverb that says something along these lines, there's no pillow softer than a clear conscience. I do not understand. My conscience is clear, I have never done anything I thought was wrong but yet I always seem to be the one burdened with guilt.
Why is that so?
Why am I still awake?
Why wouldn't the universe give me a break?
I have so many unanswered questions.

I want so badly to shrug off this lingering invisible cloak; just to feel light again.
In fact. I will do just that. I'm going to sleep right after this and when I open my eyes to the morning sun, I want to wake up knowing that I've left all these guilt and pain behind.

- extracted from my handwritten journal. And knowing what a klutz I can be I might, God forbid, one day lose my journal. This is something I want to remember.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep

But I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep
And miles to go before I sleep.
- Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening, Robert Frost.

Christmas ♥

p.s.

At this very minute Dean Martin is crooning for me to stay because baby it's cold outside.

He's telling me he'll take my hat and my hair looks swell!

:)

AWW DEAN! *flips hair*

Come away with me

and I will 
write 
you
a song.

没有什么 会永垂不朽

还没好好的感受 雪花绽放的气候
我们一起颤抖 会更明白 什么是温柔

还没跟你牵著手 走过荒芜的沙丘
可能从此以后学会珍惜 天长和地久

还没为你把红豆 熬成缠绵的伤口
然后一起分享 会更明白 相思的哀愁

还没好好的感受 醒著亲吻的温柔
可能在我左右 你才追求 孤独的自由

有时候 有时候
我会相信一切有尽头.

You are free.

But you have to choose.
An open oven bakes no bread.

My eyes are so bleary

I guess I'm young
But I feel so weary

Answers.
We seek them everyday of our lives.
Its in our nature to be curious, to not leave any stones unturned. That is how we evolve and advance, that is what makes us what we are today.

We all have unanswered questions.
Sometimes we just keep them to ourselves because of various reasons.
Like pride?
Or fear.

Fear of the unknown.

More often than not. The answers are there staring right back at us, but we refuse to acknowledge it.
Simply because the truth hurts.
Sometimes, it is so much easier to turn our backs to the real answer and pretend we don't see it.

Because sometimes, when we find the answers we are looking for, whether intentionally or otherwise, it invariably leads to even more questions.
More unanswered questions that stay and torment us every minute of the day.
Clawing at the walls of our heads, driving us insane.

We are too smart for our own good.
So sometimes, it really is the lesser of two evils to turn a blind eye.
Some questions are better left alone.

I am alone on a bicycle for two.

Maybe I love you

maybe I just like the sound

But if you disappear

You'll still hear

When my heart hits the ground

Every touch of every scene
Is as beautifully broken as a bird without wings

All we have
holding us back
holding us back

For all we have
what's holding us back?

I am afraid of the answer.

I met a palm-reading man a week ago, who told me a few things about myself.
Some of my past, others of my future.

I'm 20 years old.

I've had 3 boyfriends. Correct.

I will live to be more than 80 years old. Hopefully correct.

I have about 16 friends whom I hold very close to my heart, but 5 to 6 of them are not fond of me.
I was taken off guard by this. I didn't know I make enemies, but then again I can't please everyone. I just hope they are not people who are too close to me.

I will be rich, but I will see deaths amongst people around me.
Now this, I fear. I fear goodbyes more than anything else in the world. My favourite aunt passed away the second year my family moved back to Kuching. I watched in silent horror as the cancer ate away the jovial and energetic woman I cared for like a second mother.
Now after this, I wonder if I was the cause of her death...

I will go abroad twice. After the first visit, I'll come back. On the second time, I'd stay away permanently.
If this is what I've always wanted, why do I feel a twinge of sadness when I hear this?

After studying my hand for a while, he fixed me with an odd concerned look.
"Child, why are you worrying? You worry from the second you wake up and you worry even after you fall asleep. You are not happy. You are tired. But you are so young, there is no reason for you to be this worried."

Why do I worry?

I've never told a lie

and that makes me a liar

I've never made a bet

but we gamble with desire

I've never lit a match

with intent to start a fire.

Que Sera Sera

I need to break free from this never-ending cycle, and start to shine.

I have to fight these demons within myself, because oh yes, it is my problem,

My self-esteem is so low now I really don't know how to get back up if I fall again.

Holding my hand, slowly guiding me forward with kind words, I feel that I am so blessed with all these amazing people in my life, who are incredibly supportive and encouraging to me.

In fact, so much so that I feel as though I don't deserve it.

They are the sole reason for me to hang in there and try my best.

I wish I can reciprocate by proving to them that all their efforts are not wasted, I really do.

I need to try harder.
I love you mom.

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty, will I be rich?
Here's what she said to me.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.


That is our favorite song :)
We used to sing that together in the kitchen, mommy and I.
The song will never lose its meaning for me and hopefully one day, I'd be able to sing it to my beautiful little girl too. :)

I feel hollow.

This sinking feeling in my stomach; as though I'm falling downhill endlessly.

Incapable of standing steady on my two feet.

Uncertainty clogs the air like a heavy fog that has a mind of its own:

Lingering in the air; determined to stay,

Dazed.

Empty beyond words.

是伴

还是绊

Bringing Niagara Falls to my eyes.

Holidays in K.K., basking myself in contentment, devoid of complaints.

When I'm not studying, I've been re-watching a few good, solid and sad movies.

A bit heavier than the chick-flick garbage I always seem to opt for.

Cold Mountain

My Sister's Keeper

The Holiday

Closer 

Tristan and Isolde.

Beautiful movies.

Captivating, all of them painted love as fleeting yet sought after, something beautiful that everyone desires to hold, but not everyone is allowed to keep.


Except for The Holiday, all of the movies suffered tragic endings.
I expected myself to be immensely disappointed by the endings, being a large fan of 'happily-ever-afters'.
But surprisingly, I was not.
I was only, left convinced that love is never easy, nor is it ever simple, and most importantly, it is not always meant to be.


Moving and heart-wrenchingly beautiful.

Jude Law starring in three out of the five is (obviously) an added bonus.

He's so delicious he makes me lick my lips like a savage beast.

I blame the accent. And those hypnotizing eyes.

A guy like him's a hazard to womankind.

Lydia's visiting soon :)

It been a long while since we've seen each other.

Miss all those time we've spent at her house, all those silly moments we share with each other.
All those late night talks we had with each other, all those times we were there for each other.
The girl is a doll. :)

She wants to perfect her camwhoring skills and make the kiss-flip book I told her about haha.
She wants to get one done for Gabe. So sweet! :)

Woo-hoo, can't wait!

Don't say a word

just come over and lie here with me

'Cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see