Don't say a word

just come over and lie here with me

'Cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see

You know that secret place you have in your heart?

Your miniature heaven when things fall apart?

I have mine too; its beautiful.

Its a small winding road with lovely green and tall trees, and I'm in a car driving on that winding road.

The trees are grown thick together, I see them tall and natural and wild, nothing landscaped or cultivated.

The trees tower around me, big and strong; as though guarding me protectively from any harm.

Small rays of sunlight peek in between the leaves and add warmth to the otherwise dark woods.

The window to my car is winded down, and I do more than just visualize this figment of my imagination; I can smell the trees and the earth beneath the rolling tyres.

Fresh and welcoming.

Crisp and cool.

For some reason the temperature in my little escape is always much cooler than reality.
The soft wind started touching my skin tentatively at first, then as the car takes up speed, began boldly caressing my cheeks.

As the car accelerates, the green, orange leaves and branches of the woods paints an extraordinary and breathtaking canvas of splashing green, blotches of orange, balanced by an earthy tone.
An art like no other.

I will be in the car surrounded by that moving canvas painted on all my windows. My windshield will have the same canvas on the sides, and a small earthy road in the middle, leading my way forward.

I do not want the journey to end, I like to lose myself in these amazing woods.

It was as though mother earth had build a cradle, a magnificent nest for me to crawl into; for me to come home to.

Let's talk equations.

Exams = shitload amount of stress = enlarged appetite + slightly delusional + distorted mind

I shall elaborate.

Enlarged appetite means I also order crazy amount of pizzas.

Modern technology has made food so accessible.

Its pure evil.

Dominoes pizza is only several clicks away @www.dominoes.com.my . I don't even need to pick up the damn phone to make an order. And we all have been through the hassle of phone ordering, being put on a hold- the Malaysian customer service is famous for that. =.=

So back to the whole evil pizzas topic.

There is something very wrong with Dominoes.

I mean look at it.

Easy and efficient ordering, prompt 30 minutes or less delivery time, hot sizzling pizza at your doorstep with an ever polite delivery man.

WHERE IN MALAYSIA IS THERE SUCH A SERVICE?

I smell something fishy! *narrows eyes*

and no darling its not from my favorite Tuna Temptation pizza.

So I have a theory about Dominoes.

I secretly think they are a secret organization set up to conquer the world. O_O

They are a well-oiled organization and they paved an ultimate way into our hearts - through our stomach!

Its a conspiracy I tell you!

But anyway, I can't be a powerpuff girl and save the world because I have to save myself from exams. :(

So I delude myself from the evil plans lurking beneath Dominoes' innocent cover and welcome the delivery man with a blood-thirsty smile.

Blood thirsty for the pizza of course, not the delivery man. Unless he has Matthew Mcconaughey's butt.

Then I'd pay the man, take my (holy) pizza and put it on the dining table.

Clutching a slice, I'd automatically walk towards the balcony.

Which was what I did today, and then I saw an eagle. You see, I live on the 24th floor of my condominium, and therefore eagles spotting is very normal due to the height.

Then I have a very ugly picture painted in my head.

The eagle, with its sharp eagle eyes, diving down to my balcony and STEALING MY SLICE OF PIZZA.

O_O

The picture is too horrific to imagine.

I stepped away from the balcony. I do not wish to fight an eagle for my pizza.

Stop giving me the look. My pizza is very important ok! A girl needs her nutrition!

I DON'T LIKE TO TAKE CHANCES WITH MY FOOD!

O_O

Okay now I guess you have the better understanding of the equation, which I will retype to save you from scrolling up because I am so kind.

Exams = shitload amount of stress = enlarged appetite + slightly delusional + distorted mind

Reading back

on my last night's blog post...

DO I HAVE TO BE SO DRAMATIC, GRAPHIC AND EMO?!

Okay, once again, as you'd probably have guessed, its THAT time of the month!

When hormonal level is the blame for everything I do (and failed to do).

I miss my family.

I need to try to update my blog on a more regular basis, not just when i'm struck by bouts of depression due to PMS.

=.=

Or else I should seriously consider renaming the blog from 'this is my escape' to 'my pms rantings'.

K time for class :) MUAKS.

Today is going to be better than yesterday. I will not allow myself to be drowned in my pool of sorrow and self-pity (and well, bad hormones).

In fact. I will eat more chocolates to stimulate the happy hormone endorphine in myself! :D

Nothing cheers me up like good food.

Toodles~!

Sometimes

I feel like a piece of wood, floating in the middle of a vast ocean, and the shores are nowhere to be seen.

Waves and waves of salt water hurling themselves wickedly at my frail and powerless figure; mocking at my mere existence, my terminal helplessness.

I could not fight back and stop the waves; I could only do my best to float back up every time I'm being knocked out.

I had to swallow my pride by standing back up and holding my head up high.

I had to endure the humiliation at being beaten out by a force that I simply cannot defy.

I had to; because I had to survive.

Then came the voice in my head.

Soft and alluring.

Do you have to survive?

And I began to lead myself to entertain the thoughts of giving up.

Because people get tired.

Because there's only so much one can take.

Because giving up, is too much of an easy way out.

So I allowed it to happen.

The water seeping into me; choking me; swallowing me.

The voice in my head comforting me.

The suffocation will only last for a short time. It is nothing compared to what you've been through.

Overwhelmed by the dark, wide ocean; I felt so small.

I sunk deeper.

I was reduced into insignificance.

I didn't even struggle.

I simply allowed myself to be taken.

The rays of sunlight on the surface of the water called out to me, beckoning and begging me to come back up, as always.

But my ears are drowned out by the almost lyrical words of the voice in my head.

It will be over soon, my child.

I closed my eyes and indulged in the thundering roar of the ocean.

I ceased to exist; and let myself fall into the deep abyss.

The harsh reality

almost always breaks my heart.

Sometimes when people don't grow together, they grow apart.

It doesn't take death to part two people

who were once inseparable.

Being alive is just another reason to hope

that we can find

what we have lost

in each other again.

Time passes by

only to help us lie

to ourselves

to help us turn a blind eye

to all the bad times

and remember only the good

and expect only the good

the next time we see each other

but with expectations

only comes greater disappointments

I'll always miss you; and I'll always miss us.

But I think this time I've finally come to terms with myself

I've finally accepted

that things will never be the same again

Take care, my friend.

My period came last night...

I love how my blog is used mainly to record my pms and menstruation. I'm such a whiner that it is completely necessary for me to mention my pms/period every bloody (pun intended) time

...when I was in the midst of preparing for my Negotiations examination today.

Bad timing.

I'm not sure if it went well. Being the bias bitch Ms Sumathi is famous for, I can't be confident anymore. Because she flunk me in the Client Counselling and I can never forgive her for that. She wrote all these comments in Lekhna's (my partner) page mentioning things she failed to do, like eye contact, open and closed questions etc. And then being the lazy bitch she is, she didn't even bother commenting on my page, except for a short "same as Lekhna's".

It is IMPOSSIBLE for two person to act the same way. I am very very upset because I did most of the things she said we didn't. And it is pointless for us to argue now, there wasn't any recordings made. Her word is final. Further arguments will only result in her having a bad impression on us and flunking us for nego and mooting.

I pray she isn't like me, getting her period the day before. And I truly hope she had some fantastic animal sex with some guy she finds hot last night. And the guy'd better be good in bed thereby helping her reach multiple toe-curling, hair-pulling, back-clawing orgasms. So she can be in a better mood today and thus give me a better grade.

I also have consult tomorrow with Ms Kath and I have to finish up two essays by then. And its 1.27am as of now.

Forgive the language.

I'm just cranky because I have so much to do and I'm having my period.

In other words, I'm feeling the Sumathi.

I feel exhausted mentally and physically.

I don't want to start.

T_____________________T

Red Flag.

You see one good thing about keeping a blog is that you are able to keep track of your pms occurrence.

One scroll one down my blog and I know my last pms attack was on the 20th of February.

And its 23th of March now so therefore I'm completely eligible to have more bouts of pms.

*&^%$@!#$^&*!!!

Taste of Bollywood.

I went for Lekhna's sister, Lochna's birthday party tonight, and the theme was Indian Night, and it was set in a beautiful Indian restaurant.

It had a lovely exotic maharaja feel to it :)

I went earlier to Lekhna's house to get ready. Both her mother and her grandmother helped me put on the green saree I was wearing earlier tonight. They were amazingly kind and helpful. Such sweethearts :) Nothing like what Angel warned me about earlier, about how the mother can be cranky.

I adore the green saree.

It was so lovely.

Lekna also bought me matching green bangles, and Lochna lent me a pair of lovely earrings to wear with my saree. Its amazing how heart-warming Indians are.

Angel loved how I looked and told me since I never looked chinese to begin with, the entire outfit made me look as though I'm a Chindian.

She was not too bad herself. Angel looked stunning in a pink sari, and she really do actually looked like a graceful mermaid.

The food at the party was divine.

I felt like a scavenger scouring the buffet table lol.

I took huge portions and went for 2nd helpings.

I really can't remember the last time I had mutton curry.

T_T

I felt like I died and went to heaven.

Its the amazing food. And also the saree effect. It made me feel so beautiful, oh my, like a hot bollywood actress. wake up wake up WAKE UP mary; snap back to reality

I also met new Indian friends.

There was Harrish, Amirthan, Darren and Lingesh.

Darren, was supposed to be my escort, but he prefers to call me his date. He's this really cute Indian guy with a heart-melting smile. Throughout the entire night he was quoting love songs to me.

They are all really passionate people and they have all these infectious spirit. The boys are all so hyperactive, I kid you not; I'll never forget how they rock the dance floor.

They really took care of us the whole night.

Lovely people.

I had a great time. I really enjoyed the Indian culture.

I won't mind going out on a date with an indian guy haha!

Well....

...an Indian guy minus all that body hair :p

Here's a picture of Angel and I on the way to the restaurant.

More next time!

Worn out.

Today was a super long day. I had classes in the morning, and then I have practice for client counselling in the afternoon.

So by the time I went to stand in front of the bus stand, I was really mentally tired and my cheeks flushed by the hot scorching sun.

Sweating profusely.

And mentally swearing at myself for taking law.

When a guy gave me the eye and came up to me and hit on me.

And though I did not flirt back or offer my number when he asked, I enjoyed it.

I'm actually very surprised with myself because I usually am very blah when it comes to guys picking me up.
Odd. Maybe once a while, its just in a girl's nature to feel flattered by honeyed words?

But the feeling was only fleeting.

My feet came back on to the ground and I snapped back to reality.

He was very cute in a Eurasian boy way, but I didn't like how cocky he was.

Like he was so sure how I was going to give him my number with this confident grin.
Too bad.

But I didn't want to be rude so I made polite excuses. And I was trying to save him some face cause his friends were looking.
Then he had to end with a cheeky voice, "I'm sure I'll see you around."
And then lowered his eyes to my boobs.
Fuck man, that does it. If he doesn't even respect me enough to say goodbye to my face instead of my chest, then I have no reason to help him save face.
I was blunt and replied, "Not if I see you first."

I prefer guys who are smart and quiet.

Guys who are not attention seekers or jocks, but has more to him than what meets the eye.

My dream guy would be...

A guy that I can have a decent conversation with.

A guy that can sit with me in a quiet cafe, listen to my indie music, and though we may sit right opposite each other, we both can be happy reading a book of our own all day long. Without exchanging a word, when our eyes meet over our books, we'd smile at each other and feel there was simply no need to speak.

I want to have superpowers.

And magic.

I want to believe in magic.

The touch, the feel.

I simply adore Zooey Deschanel.

Zooet Deschanel - Fabric of Our Lives

I am completely smitten by her style and her vintage wardrobe. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
I love everything about her.
:)

And I am weird.

I'm not a big fan of pop music or the R&B shit that circulate MTV and your local English station.

There are a few fine ones. Just that in general, I think the music is shallow and overrated.

Mainstream music today seems to be designed for sex-crazed kids.

Let me put it to you in this way:

Normally, you don't like the song the first time you hear it.

Or the second or third.

Or even the 10th.

But as the radio station continuously played the music. Repeatedly. Over and over again.

The song gets stuck in your head, and you realized to yourself one day, "Hmm, this song is pretty catchy."

Its almost like a hypnotizing effect.

You're forced, against your own better judgement, to like a song simply because it is familiar.

And everyone likes familiar things.

Especially lyrics.

Moral of the story, MTV and radio stations mindfucked you into liking a song.

But please spare me the shit because I am only expressing my own opinion. And everyone is entitled to having their own opinions.

So my taste in music bends towards indie and off-mainstream.

And also some oldies. :)

I simply adore Nancy Sinatra.

I've recently found out about Lissie. her song "everywhere I go" is truly amazing. Her voice, so delicate yet it cuts through my soul and sent a chill down my spine.

I love her.

But of course, Rachael Yamagata is still my favorite indie artist of all times.

She has passion and she has soul. Her voice is so true. Its a luxury indulging in her music.

Music is all about the soul.

I can only relate to music that can actually, touch my soul.

I love kids.

I think they are absolutely adorable.

They see the world in a different light, everything is magical.

They are genuine and their laugh is amazingly contagious.

They are new beautiful little things that are curious about everything.

But after sometime spent babysitting my little nephew. I'd like to er reconsider my position on being a mother.

Don't get me wrong I love my nephew to bits. *shifty eyes*

I just prefer to, you know...*shrugs*...love him from a distance.

And then Suri Cruise came strolling by

all smiles

doe-eyed

and restored my faith in reproduction.

I MUST START TO STUDY AS OF NOW.

Maybe after that chocolate. And that pee. And that Patrick Dempsey.

NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I think it is because I am extremely deprived...

being in a long distance relationship at the moment and watching half naked men in Heath Ledger films does not make it any easier for a normal teenage girl with raging hormones

...that I find myself subconsciously looking for substitutes online to ease my...sexual(?) frustration.

And this is what I caught myself looking at....

OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER ok you got the poi-ANDOVERANDOVER AGAIN.

SHIT.

This is some hot stuff.

I love LOVE LOVE how he "warmed up" and how his hands cupped and caressed her cheeks as his lips mov- okyeaIshouldstop.

The point is...

T_T

I NEED TO BE KISSED LIKE THAT.

AT LEAST ONCE IN MY LIFE.

FOR MY LIFE TO BE COMPLETE.

SO I CAN DIE HAPPY.

Sigh I love The Notebook.

DUH mary which girl doesn't??!

Eleven Years.

I re-watched the old movie 10 Things I Hate About You yesterday.

Heath Ledger is/was the sexiest man on earth.

His death was a gigantic loss to womankind. I cannot accept it. Because I can never enough of his movies, and um his butt, and and his sexy delicious Australian accent.

My future husband needs to learn that accent.

I'd get aroused immediately and it would save up tons of time otherwise needed with foreplay.

Okay.

Sorry.

TMI.

Patrick: Some asshole paid me to take out this really great girl.
Kat: Is that right?
Patrick: Yeah, but I screwed up. I, um, I fell for her.

Julia Stiles is one lucky bitch to get to be Kat in the movie. But it must be said that she too, is a wonderful actress and she definitely portrayed the character perfectly in the movie. Shir, you should watch this movie (if you haven't already) because I'm sure you will love Julia Stiles. :) Kat's character reminds me of you somehow. Headstrong, beautiful and cool; she does not care about fitting in at all.

Its one of my favorite movies. Joseph Gordon-Levitt was in it as well, the guy from 500 Days of Summer - a beautiful indie movie released just last year.

He looked so young back then.

Oh shit.

It just struck me how time flies.

Its been 11 years since 10 Things I Hate About You.

Sigh.

I have put on too much weight and gained too much pimples.

And it bothers me a lot, but not enough for me to do something about it...

I don't know why.

:(

And I am feeling very emotional. Things that don't normally bother me gets to me easily, although I did a good job hiding it from everyone else with my smile and chirpy voice.

I blame pms, cause I can feel my period coming.

I don't think women ever grow out of pms; they just learn to hide it better over the years.

My CNY holidays are drawing to an end, and its bye bye Kuching and hello KL once again.

:(

I don't want to leave.

I love slacking and lazing around the house.

I love eating home-cooked food everyday and watch old movies to pass the time.

I love fooling around with my family, laughing and simply having our own precious family time.

I love looking at old photographs and telling stories out of them with my family...

I actually...

don't mind being a bum for the rest of my life.

I realized I don't actually mind a life without purpose.

...

but then, all this may just be my pms talking.

Not me.

The right pace.

We had a Criminal Law test yesterday and it was the first time in a long time I actually got down to studying.

And though it was taxing, I feel good. No I didn't do particularly well in the test, but I feel good about the fact that I actually gave it a shot.

And the truth is, it wasn't that bad.

I actually enjoyed reading the textbook.

What was hard was remembering what I read.

But I will work harder on that part.

I think a lot of credit goes to the new house. :)

Quiet, calm and free of distractions.

Probably also because my laptop is away from me...

See there's always a good side to everything, so it is important to keep being optimistic and encouraging. I can do it. :)

I will move at my own pace, a pace that I'm comfortable with.

And thats all really matters.

:)

Now the reason I've been away

is because my laptop FAILED me. I sent it back to the store thinking they will help me reformat it and give it back to me within the day, but apparently it was a lot more serious. There was a problem with the hard disk and they are sending in the warranty to get it fixed.

This means two things:

1) I don't have to pay

2) I have to wait two weeks. T_T

Which also means that I won't get my laptop back before Chinese New Year.

But the two guys at the Fujitsu Centre were being surprisingly really nice to me. They didn't charge me for anything even though I made them check my laptop. Which they normally do, and which they didn't stop reminding me about. lol.

Angel said, "Girl, be grateful that you have a pretty face and you are a nice person."

But my personal opinion is that they were pretty freaked out by my consistent whining:

"Yer why laaa....wheniboughtthelaptopyousaidtocomebacktoyouifanythingwaswrongwithinayear...*whine* why do you have to CHARGE.ME.NOW.? *whine*"

I swear the frequency of my whining voice can kill some fly on that wall.

I even felt irritated at myself, lol.
BUT OH WELL, just to justify myself, a student on a student budget's got to fight for her rights! :D

And right now I'm using Angel's laptop to rant my frustration.

I never thought my laptop played such an important part in my life.

Now that you're gone I realized how important you are to me, so darling laptop, will you marry me?

Sorry sorry its the lack of laptop thats getting to my head and making me delusional.

I have moved into my shoebox of a new place in Desa Kiara.

I actually really like it here. Its calm, peaceful and there's only 4 people in the house.

Boon, Lo Jie, Angel and I.

Lo Jie (Angel and I secretly calls him Roger, since he loathe that name haha) is actually a great cook, and he made us awesome spaghetti just the other day. He's a cute guy who has been in a seven year relationship with his cute girlfriend. :) I hope they last and get married, because they are nice people and it'd be nice to see some happy endings for a change. Its people like them that restore my faith in true love.

Permanence.

Angel lost her Blackberry when we were strolling in a rather crowded IKEA.

I feel really bad for her, the poor thing. She just got that phone and she absolutely love it :(

And this had to happen.

Its so sad, because Angel is such a nice girl. Why doesn't bad things only happen to bad people? :(

And I didn't get to paint my room today due to lack of time and too many unexpected happenings, Angel losing her phone being one of them.

A bit disappointed as I really wanted to get everything done today. But at least tomorrow is Sunday and I still have time to get things done, just as what Verus said.

I think what I really learnt today is to not get things worked out too early and expect too much.

Because you'd never know what'd happen in the next minute.

One minute Angel was talking to her mother on the phone; the next her phone was stolen.

One day Terrence's mom was just talking proudly to her colleagues about her son; the next he's dead. :(:(

Take life one step at a time. I've heard this before, but I've never actually understood it as clearly as I do now.

Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive anyway.

Morbid joke but true nonetheless.

Never ever EVER be a smart-ass and assume you have life all figured out.

Because no matter how sure you are of a certain thing, in the end its all in God's hands.

He's the real player. We are all merely checkers in the game.

Most of my belongings had been successfully transferred here.

I'll have to make one last trip tomorrow to scrap my room clean from my possessions :)

Can I?

Half of my things were sent over to the new place last night.

Now I have to finish packing the rest to evacuate this place.

Bit sad.

Nearly two decades on the planet and...

my worldly possessions = two small suitcases, some books and a couple of plastic bags.

Note to self: I need to work harder to increase that.

:)

My Milk Toof.

Whenever I'm feeling down or stressed, I'd go to My Milk Toof to have a little break :)

Lardee and Ickle are my sugar fix. They are absolutely adorable.

Inhae is a complete genius.

I need to start packing to move into my new place. I really hope its gonna be the right choice; I can focus and study hard, and hopefully do well for my exams.

I'm looking forward to decorating my room. Even though its small, I'd like to make it my own.

I'd take a photo of it when I'm done. :)

Off packing now~ tata!

You were like sand

So fine;

You slipped through my hand

I'm perplexed at how the human mind operates.

Because I cannot comprehend why I'm feeling so affected by a person from my distant past tonight. After nearly 4 years. at 3.22am in the morning.

But at least it is only tonight you came revisiting my thoughts.

I guess a part of me will never forget.

Because that part of me knew I could have made things different, if only I tried a little harder to make things work.

But you had to happen, to make me who I am today.

You appeared to show me how to be the perfect girlfriend, as what I am towards my boyfriend now. I just wish I could have learnt that before meeting you; so I could have a shot at being the perfect girlfriend for you, because it was all you deserved.

For you had been the perfect boyfriend for me.

I know that this will not bring tears, only a heavy heart of what could have been.

I know these feelings will only last for tonight, and will not stay to torture me as time really has washed away the searing pain.

Only a scar remain.

For tonight is only a fleeting moment

Where I find myself recapturing the past once again

And the past is merely a memory; it meant nothing more.

Life works like a cycle.

A person comes into your life.

He makes an impression; he teaches you a lesson.

And then he has to leave, in order for you to actually learn that lesson.

And most of the time, we realized that bit.

But what we failed to notice is that...

even in their life

We also played a part;

we also left a mark.

This

in itself

is the comfort many seek

but have failed to find